Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Team Smaug

I went to see The Hobbit: The Middle Bit this afternoon, because Benedict Cumberbatch is a dragon. Come on.

It's one hundred and sixty-one minutes long, because reasons.

Orlando Bloom is back as Legolas. They have neoprened his face with CGI, because (1) crazy-ass Elven lifespans (2) dude, this is set like sixty Middle Earth years (or something) before The Fellowship of the Ring, which was shot in 2000 when Bloom was twenty-three years old in actual Earth years.

Holy crap, tell me that is not just the worst kind of existential nightmare you ever heard of, not even counting the mind-bendingly weird CG-Bloomface we have to watch for [161 minutes minus Bloomfree minutes].

The inexorable advance of your vector through space-time is distressing enough without these shenanigans, no?

"So, you wanna reprise Legolas? I know it's been a while. This one is set when he's younger than the one you shot 13 years ago. Plus you know, ethereal immortal elf beauty, et cetera. Don't worry! We'll sort it all in post-production!"  

Seriously. A moment of silence in appreciation for the fact that this is not our job.

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